- I have been a teacher of fitness and health for thirty years. In 1989 I was certified for personal training with the National Acadamy of Sports Medicine. I had a gym in Santa Barbara for eight years. Co-owned and created a spinning bike company which manufactured bikes for five years. Also I have worked with nutrition companies for twenty years. Along with many wonderful non famous people I have trained many celebrities, and members of the Royal Family. My own athletic past consists of long distance running, long distance cycling, cross country skiing, down hill skiing, rollerblading, hiking, sand running, track work, and weight training. I have authored two fitness columns in local papers, and have been writing this blog since January 2010.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Trying to Change Someone?
Have you ever tried to change another person's behavior? A common trait in many relationships is to change something about the other person so that "you" can be happy. We meet someone, have chemistry, begin a relationship, and for the first six months to a year it is all hearts and flowers and tweetie birds.
Then the real "us" begins to come out in the relationship, and we start to notice things that we really don't like about our new mate. Maybe its things they say, or something they do, like smoke or drink. In the beginning these things weren't as bothersome, but as the relationship gets older, they become a problem.
That's when we begin our mission to change this person, so that we will like them and they will fit our idea of who we want to be with. We say things like, "If you just would act like this", or "If you would say it this way." We want our mate to stop certain behaviors that now annoy us, even though those behaviors were always there from the start.
There is one thing that I have learned in my life, and that's that you can not change anyone but yourself! You can not tell an alcoholic to stop drinking no matter how much you care. They will only stop if they want to. You can not tell a cheater to stop cheating. They will only stop if they want to.
You can not tell a person to "act" a certain way, they will act the way they want to, no matter what you want. A drug addict won't stop doing drugs until they want to, no matter how many people tell them to stop, even if they love them.
Don't go into a relationship with someone if there are things they do that you don't like. You might think that you can get them to change, but it won't happen. Find a person that does the things that you like, and be in relationship with them.
That is why it is important to spend a lot of time with someone before you make a big commitment. Take time to allow yourselves to get to know each other and see the real person, not the facade that many of us present when we first meet someone. You know, just the good sides of ourselves.
If we spent as much time on changing ourselves for the better, instead of looking at how others could change so that we could feel better, we would be much happier. Change can only come from within. Give up trying to change others. Work on yourself to be the person you want to be, and give your self time when getting to know someone else.
Relationships are where we learn the most in life. Create healthy, long lasting, loving, relationships by choosing people who uplift, love, and respect You! If you want to change them, find someone else who you don't want to change!